On Grieving 

28th February
As I negotiate the process of grieving, I cannot help but reflect on my upbringing and how it has shaped the process. We were very well looked after with a wonderful nanny, but within the family, emotional expression was not encouraged. We were pretty much an Edwardian family transplanted to the 1960,s onwards. Duty, a stiff upper lip, emotional control, and devotion to the Tory Party and the social status quo of a Cathedral City were the largely unspoken creed, and as children do, we absorbed this unquestioningly and without much awareness of ourselves, or our environment.

This has not helped me in admitting to, or processing grief. Add to this a professional life which is privileged, but requires the putting aside of my own emotions so I can concentrate on the needs and healing of others, particularly where death and its rituals and ceremonies are concerned, and you have the perfect recipe for producing an emotional basket case.

So how has grief manifested itself? Perhaps the best answer to that is, you tell me. But for the benefit of others who are negotiating a grieving process, here’s what I’ve noticed within myself. Life is a never ending to-do list and coping with that normal pressure subtly morphs into a work centredness that creates unsustainable routines. You might say that our normal unhelpful traits can become magnified as an unconscious way of avoiding confronting one’s own grief. Add to this personal neurodivergent conditions that make writing slower, or rather the process of editing the poorly rapidly typed text of sermons and an ever changing 64k word book manuscript into perfect spelling and grammar, and you have the perfect recipe for a spiral of ever expanding hours leading to ever decreasing productivity and displacement.

The thing is, these things happen below the radar of our self awareness until the pattern becomes evident to us, probably after it’s become obvious to others. So I’m having to understand why my actions may be, to use a technical psychological term, a bit bonkers. So part of the process of grieving is recognising that whilst managing a complex and crowded multi tasking life I may be, under the surface just a little bit, (OK well quite a lot really,) out of my normal mind. So as I pick up on the signs that surprise even me when I analyse them, here’s what what I need to do. Recognise that staring into the darkness is both necessary and healing, and that displacement or avoidance activity needs stopping. Give myself permission to allow grieving emotions to be felt , and (in the right circumstances), to be expressed.

So, if you are grieving too, maybe my self disclosure may ring some bells or help your journey